February, the month of Love, not that I plan to participate in that activity at the moment. It feels like June already, nothing seems to matter anymore and I can feel the sunshine already. Today I was in Sunnyvale and remembered how exciting it is to bask in the warm sunlight.

Anyway, this morning I unconsciously started browsing hair styles for prom and a few minutes ago I ended up at prom tuxedo rentals. This is very a strange behavior for me but its senior year, not much time left to enjoy it. When did I become so vain? I remember back through elementary and middle school, I was strictly plaid shirts and jeans everyday. I didn't really care that I wore those stuff, but now, I have 42 images of potential haircuts that I would like. My ideal hero used to be the child prodigies of the world, now its people like Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Ming Dao and John Cho.

School is no longer fun for me. It used to be school was about doing the best I could, helping the teacher, finding ways to make the class better, and doing ALL my homework. Now school is like something I go to just to see my friends and a stepping stone to the next part of life. Everything seems more like an obligation rather than self-motivation. I feel as if it's the end of the line for me and would settle for a job rather than learn more. My interests have shifted towards my own selfish needs rather than helping others. Band is boring, science is repetitious, math is overly complex and annoying, government is a bore and English is painfully slow as always. Leading to the next topic: College, Another 8 years of agony.

I am between wanting to go to college yet considering taking a year off to relax and see the world. Homework is slowly building up again but instead I am writing this entry. I am just plain tired of learning and just want to explore, maybe spend more time on my social life. I need to be more confident and not stay so quiet in class. Darn fear of saying the wrong things and creating the wrong impression. If only I had the guts to show my "true personality" instead of putting on a fake one to create a respectable image. I want to be viewed as the typical guy who does well in school, goes to college, has a modest income, gets married, has kids and grows old with his wife in a suburban town and does what is right and moral; more or less "the guy next door" image. Although my fantasy life would be more along the lines of ____________________ . I'll reveal more when graduation draws near. I don't want my reputation tarnished before graduation. After summer hits, I could care less about my former life.

It's been such a long time since I wrote in this, barely have anytime these days. AP Physics is completely killing me, it makes up 95% of my schoolwork. The rest of my work is 4% Calculus and 1% everything else. I should have taken Physics B instead of C. I still need to start on my UC personal statement and fact sheet for recommendations. In other news, I found a new interest, Final Fantasy VIII, although its been out for many years, I only started playing it now. SO addictive, wasted all Saturday and Sunday afternoon and night playing it. I should lock myself up in a closet or something free of distractions so that I can focus. I also found more anime to watch even though I have couple seasons of ther shows to watch as well. Now playing: Spiral - Suiri no Kizuna, Azumanga Daioh, Ryusei no Rockman, Pokemon, and the series that seems to go on forever and of which I watched only 150 or so episodes, Meitantei Conan. Darn Senioritis, making me lazier than ever.

Now if only I had infinite time to do everything, I would be so happy and not exhausted and dizzy at the end of every day.

潘国元